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CRITIQUE
EXAMPLE |
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Frank Embly |
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9/20/02 |
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"Everything's
All Right" |
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by Holly
Duntree |
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Capsule: |
Girl and her
dog explore forest while parents fight. |
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Themes: |
Family,
loneliness, love, discontent, isolation, inside vs. outside |
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Meaning: |
Sometimes we
escape our problems physically but carry them with us emotionally. |
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Strengths: |
1. |
Quick beginning
gets the girl out of the house and sets up her conflict in one paragraph. |
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2. |
Bond between
Laney and her dog is emotionally strong and shows that she has a better
relationship with the animal in her life than the people in her life. |
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3. |
Nice
title--quiet tone of irony matches events in the story |
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Weaknesses: |
1. |
Avoid going
into the dog's point of view. This throws off the illusion of the girl
telling the story and breaks the realism of the girl's emotional state. In
general, non-human points of view seem to be a gimmick. Even when Cormack
McCarthy uses a wolf this way in the Border Trilogy, it seems unnecessary.
The girl can carry this story on her own. |
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2. |
Details of the
forest setting are vague. Is this an old-growth forest, dripping with moss,
strangled with brush, or is it a park-like setting in a suburb that just
seems like a forest to Laney? The setting of her house comes through in the
"glass salt and pepper shakers" and the "wooden beams in the ceiling."
Adding this level of detail to the outside surroundings would help solidify
the illusion of reality and emphasize the theme of outside vs. inside.
Personally, I vote for the old-growth forest, a place that really could be
dangerous if she wandered too far. |
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3. |
Drama doesn't
build enough toward the middle and end. We see Laney in the forest and hear
her talk to the dog. We know she feels safer outside than inside with her
parents. Still, it seems like more action should take place than just
walking and talking. Maybe a lizard could jump out from under a log, or the
dog could start growling and run ahead after something unknown. Showing some
kind of action that challenges Laney would help develop her character and
add excitement and suspense. |
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4. |
The crisis
action seems to come too easily. It's not clear whether she's really lost or
just thinks she's lost. Then, when she calls for her parents, they find her
too easily and seem to have overcome their differences too quickly. This
doesn't mean you have to rewrite the whole story. You could just add a few
lines that show some simmering, hidden tension between Mom and Dad, or you
could take us closer into her thoughts, maybe to show that Laney is faking
being lost in a plot to bring her parents together. In any case, the ending
seems unclear, as if you don't know yourself what it's supposed to mean.
Once you figure that out, a few small changes can make a major difference to
the impact of the story. |